Hi I’m From Europe…Here Is Why I Don’t Give A Crap About Euroleague

I’d like to talk about European basketball if I may and specifically about the good almighty Euroleague. Well it’s plainly CRAP, but to lean towards the democratic side let me explain why I say this.

The Euroleague Final 4 took place a few weeks back and excuse me for not peeing in my pants from excitement. Why?Ok let’s just say that a divine, key and defining moment occurred in the second semi final between Real Madrid and Maccabi Tel-Aviv when Big Sofo (that Shaq look-a-like from Greece) was running on the break to establish position on the low post and that punk, filthy chicken-shit, ultimate opportunist  Pablo Prigioni (ARG) stood in front of him flat footed and took the charge.. Now I’ve been watching basketball for 26 years and I swear I never saw that “intelligent” play before. I mean in the name of Dr. Naismith the guy didn’t even have the ball!

I also “enjoyed” the delicious play by the same retard when he had a 3 on 2 break and he was “nice” enough to just wait for everybody to get down the court. THERE HE IS if you ever see him in person just throw at him whatever you can get your hands on, tables, beer bottles, watches, chicken with black been sauce, hamsters, pubic hair…I don’t care!

My intention is really not to crap all over ol’Latin Lovah’s silk Armani shirt but the whole way of thinking and playing here in Europe. Let’s break down this whole system shall we? Ready? Well here we go: Every year 24 teams play and with the exception of France the same teams come out of every country. This means you already know the champion of that country from the year before. In simple words this can be explained by the money talks phenomenon. Cause in every country there are 2 teams that have more money than others so they get the good players.. end of story. Woooooooow is that exciting or what?!?!

Now the coaches and players philosophy is quite simple: we do whatever the laws of humanity allow us to win, and who cares about the sport. If we have to attack an opposing player’s haircut that’s what we do. There are basically 4 plays that will make things simple and effective.

1) You basically pick-n-roll 75% of the time and if you can’t pass it to the big guy rollin from the pick for the lay-up (never a dunk,what,are you crazy? they are too risky plus they can’t jump over a credit card) you pass it to the guy PLANTED in the corner for the biggest fetish of the ‘00’s and over: the three.

2) If the defense recovers in time he passes to the other guy PLANTED behind the line and the if the defense blah blah blah… he passes so they shoot it with 23.9 seconds on the shot clock.

3) If on the pick-n-roll the point guard gets a big man on him on the switch he will go one on one but he ends up passing it most of the times cause “one on one? This is not the NBA”.

4) If the big guy on offense gets a small player guarding him on the switch he takes his time cause he’s just too frickin slow and gets double teamed and passes it too, in case he had a few extra oranges that morning he’ll have time for a hook shot that makes Mark Eaton look like Speedy Gonzalez. That’s offense more or less and if anyone tries anything else he gets his ass handed to him by the coach!

On defense basically if an opponent even thinks of having an easy basket he gets stabbed instantly. No layups no dunks, not even fast breaks! I swear many times I saw a big guy commit a foul because he was the last one and there would be a chance of a 4 on 5 “break”. If the opponent team has any athletic players we just hit the good old zone button and we stay there for the next 97 minutes..no sweat. The most important thing though is: YOU FLOP. A key opponent gets the ball and breaths at the same time you hit the ground as if he was holding a hand-grenade. If you get touched you fall crying,that’s it.

Now let me just swiftly throw the ridiculous fouls called, the fascist approach on steps and carrying, the courts looking the same, the baskets having the same style of nets, the teams having 75 sponsors then…where is room for any basketball? SO I’ve forced this strict rule on myself: if I ever have the urge to watch European “basketball”again I will instead watch…see below. OH YEAH that’s how serious I am.

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *