25 Ways to Guarantee Yourself as an NBA Draft Bust

Please welcome this list of ways to guarantee that if drafted into the NBA, would make you into a surefire bust!

1. Grow a pornstache.
2. Then tear your ACL without anyone touching you.
3. Become white and get drafted #1 overall.
4. Carry handguns with you on road trips and hide them in pillow cases.
5. Find a barber that will give you this haircut.
6. Have a top notch NBA blog named after your pathetic career.
7. Gain weight…gain a lot of weight.
8. Ride a motorcycle and then wreck it into a telephone pole.
9. Better yet, just play the point at Duke.
10. Drive this car and love strip clubs.
11. Have a solid nickname like “Big Country” that includes a flat top.
12. Play college ball at the University of Oregon.
13. Get drafted by Isiah Thomas.
14. Come from Hartford.
15. Grow to 7’6″ and set the record for number of times being posterized.
16. Wear ridiculous bow-tied suits on draft day and pick fights with “Big” Ben Wallace.
17. Follow the work ethic of Kwame Brown.
18. Put on an amazing NCAA tourney performance without having any real skill.
19. Become the most hated college basketball player of the last decade.
20. Demand to be moved from your draft city because it’s lacking Asians.
21. Change your last name to Olowokandi.
22. Play a total of 71 games in your first 3 years.
23. Get lots of tattoos.
24. And wear a pony tail.
25. Get drafted #2 overall by the Portland TrailBlazers in 1984.


  1. Love the Shawn Bradley reference. This made the list for me.

  2. Be a 7’0″ white guy. Period.

  3. Stop it. The guy’s name is Sweetney and he loves chocolate? He was doomed from birth.

  4. Get drafted by Larry Brown as well.

    Tim Thomas over Tracy McGrady.

    Larry Hughes over Paul Pierce.

    Samuel Dalembert.

    Speedy Claxton.

    Trade picks for Derrick Coleman.


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