Le Basketbawl

The NBA regular season has come to a close! And what does that mean? Awards time! Whoo hoo!

We’ll need to determine an MVP, 6th Man of the Year, and Coach of the Year plus a few other special awards before the Playoffs start. Should you expect surprises? Of course! Should expect controversy? Of course! This is Le Basketbawl after all isn’t it? Let’s get right down to it.

Most Valuable Pre-Madonna (MVP)


Kobe Bryant. Why? Because he threw the biggest tissy fit this world has ever seen in the off season. “I’m done in L.A. and there is nothing anyone can do to change my mind!” Oh really “Aston Martin Jumper”?

It was like Nick Saban telling Dolphins fans he would not be coaching Alabama no matter what, but signed a multi-year deal with them a couple of days later. It was like Shawn Kemp telling his 9th baby’s mama, “You really are the one Suga!” It was like Mark Cuban banning bloggers even…though…he is one. It was like Stephon Marbury in the back of a limousine with his cousin’s girlfriend. It was like Isiah Thomas attempting to clarify that certain words said to black women are acceptable but not when said to white women.

Ok, that made no sense, but weren’t those all great stories at one point in time? Great, just like Kobe’s pathetic attempt at having us think he was leaving L.A. He was never leaving folks, but somehow his little trick worked on the Lakers staff which brought him Gasol’s hair. And that is why he deserves this year’s Most Valuable Pre-Madonna award.

Rookie of the Year

Greg Oden. Why? For dancing on stage at his Portland debut, racking up 18 fouls in a pre-season game, blowing a knee while removing himself from a couch, growing a mini-fro, shaving it into a GO-hawk, recording hundreds of annoying rehab videos, hiding at Blazer games, and working some white kids on a lowered hoop at 24 Hour Fitness with the team on a road trip.

Coach of the Year

Pat Riley. Why? Do you know how hard it is to care as little about an NBA season as he did and still make the Hall of Fame in one year? Ol’ Slicky-do threw in the towel months ago and didn’t care who knew it. When was the last time you saw a coach take time off in the middle of the season to catch up on some much needed NCAA action? When was the last time a coach told his 2 star players to take the rest of the season off with 20 games to play?

Pat Riley truly deserves this award more than any other. If not for the fact that he won a championship with this team just 2 short years ago, but maybe because he hit the gutter of the NBA with the Memphis Grizzlies still in the league.

Owner of the Year

Clay Bennett. Why? For that very nice string of emails that was just released. Lying to your current fan base over and over and thinking you may get away with it is always an amazing approach to take! What kind of moron sends emails like that anyway? Don’t you know that everything on the internet is retrievable? You obviously didn’t make those millions from being an internet guru like me! (hah)

Let it be noted that he doesn’t win this award for moving the team from Seattle to Oklahoma City. You can blame that move on the Seattle fans and the former owner for selling to a jackass with ties to a city just dying to have an NBA franchise. You also cannot fault David Stern for backing this guy. At least this new owner has the cojones to take over a team that is struggling and attempt to bring it back to life.

6th Man of the Year

Travis Outlaw and Pamela Anderson. Why? For this facial on Philly Sixer Rodney Carney and for this facial delivered courtside at a recent Lakers game. My response to both, “EEK!”

Most Improved Player

LaMarcus Aldridge. Why? Because I’m a Blazer honk at times. Do we really need another reason? I’ve heard rumors of Beno Udrih winning and that just makes me laugh. Aldridge doubled his scoring averaged, added to his rebound total and helped the youngest team in the NBA improve 8 wins while their future sat on the bench with a bum knee. Do you need any more?

Defensive Player of the Year

Yao Ming. Why? For “defending” his chances at playing in the Olympics rather than an NBA title. I know, I know, you are probably thinking Camby or Dwight Howard deserve this but neither of them took half the season off to make sure they were well enough to play for their country come Olympic time. That takes some dedication on the defensive front wouldn’t you say? Defending his little (big) ol’ foot will hardly help China’s chances to win gold, so I’m not sure exactly what he was thinking.

Maybe Yao was just spending some time with Pat Riley? Or maybe someone should have reminded Yao that tanking on a 50 win team doesn’t help your lottery chances. “Yo!”